Biting my Own Tongue: A Realization

I was browsing through my old posts when it dawned on me how my blog posts revolved on only one subject. I just realized that most of my posts before were directed to only one subject matter.

"Trust and men are two words that don't belong in a sentence together." I can still remember how I despised this somebody when I wrote this post. I was still enraged during that time when I wrote this.

"A Stupe on Her Gaffes" was written after I repeatedly did something that I consider horrible. That was indeed a stupid mistake. To recall my words...- "I have done the most horrible thing on earth! And..., not only did I do it once.... Can you believe it? I made the same mistake twice. Okey..., probably it isn't the most horrifying thing in the planet, but for me it was! I don't even want to think about it, because everytime I do, I feel mortified with myself. Now, I always ask myself what came into me that I let two perverts fool me... Whoa..., maybe I was just being a real stupe! Poor me... tsk.. tsk... tsk..." Well, at least I realized my own stupidity (*wink)

Then came the controversial Untitled posts. It was like a series actually. "How many times do I still have to lie?" I asked on the first series. "Why did he choose to love her?", goes the drama on the second. Then, the sad realization on the final part: "But I would rather live with my gazillions of "what ifs", than to discern the reality that could hurt me twice as much."

I also wrote him a letter here. "How can I believe you when you were so inconsistent right from the start?", I was shouting then. (*sigh)

So many things have happened, that until now I cannot just think why I still favored this person, despite everything. People around me are very curious of how sudden things may have been. Well, for them, things have been sudden, but the truth is, this rooted way, way back. There came a time when things seemed okay between us, but both of us still can't handle the consequences that are about to arise, so we both decided to stop. I was able to write this poem after all those disappointments.

Maybe it was really planned to be like that. Because no matter how hard I tried to push away whatever I think should be forgotten, there and THERE would always be an incident that would keep us together. I was about to leave things behind when I wrote this post. I once wrote this: "I knew it! I was certain of it! And now, I am trying to be definite about it. No more turning back, Janj. No more turning to the wrong path. This is one of those things that I really have to face no matter how shameful and appalling it may be. Then I guess, I just have to cope with it. I cannot turn back the time. If only I could, I will never hesitate to do so. I will never be shilly-shally to change my ways or correct my wrongdoings. I've had enough and that should be it. No more additions to it. I have been certain but I've also been frail and stupid to let skewed things be. I am now officially putting a period to it all. And this time, by all means, it's indubitable."

I just laughed out loud when I read again this post. I almost forgot how I set standards and all for men. From voice to toes, hair to hands, and even scent... Then I realized, he never fits among these standards. In fact, he is the total opposite. Biting my own tongue again... (*sigh)

Never did I thought that this time would ever come. I mean, after everything...? He kept on bugging me again, and this time he is determined to win me back. Another untitled post was made, expressing my uncertainties and doubts. The "dark alley" there is actually my "going back to him". I did not know what was about to come up, but still, "With strong determination, I bravely walk to the dark alley, not knowing the danger that awaits me... not minding the admonitions that I hearken. Ahead is unknown... it is an enigma that will only be unveiled through time and reason. Ahead lie the answers, the truth, the key to the mystery."

It was like a roller coaster ride. Eventually, this thing just happened. It even caught me off-guard. I wasn't really expecting that history will just repeat itself. Everything can be traced back in this blog, after all. Other people may have been surprised, but those who are always around me knew ever since. THIS STORY WAS NEVER A SUDDEN SWIFT... ONLY HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF. Errr.... I am hoping for a different ending this time. (*wink)